Celebration of My Awesome Dog and A Space To Deal With My Grief and His Impending Death
It’s Been Awhile
I have trouble with our specifics. Thankfully, I recorded a few videos. It will be seven years this August 25. I well up when I think about it. I know your last memory was being held by me tightly. I take comfort in that.
Guy died six months ago last week, and I’m very numb about that.
The positive is TC and I have grown closer. I adopted a Cav mix, Drummer, who’s turning out to be an aggressive asshole. It may be that he is trying to establish dominance, or maybe he is being protective. Either way, he attacks TC. I had to yank on his collar and physically restrain him. His teeth are dangerous-looking. I picked this dog because I thought TC needed a friend.
Guy is now blind and getting insulin twice a day. His last check-up was good, all things considered, but he did turn 12 on April 8. He’s the longest living dog I’ve owned. He’s been such a tremendous dog. He’s doesn’t like being in my lap, but that is nothing new. He grew up knowing you were my favorite.
I’m at a loss about death. Yeager says there are no dogs in Heaven because they don’t have souls. Fuck him. Dogs do have souls. I believe God is good and what’s us to be happy. When I die, Jesus will make sure my dogs are with me because y’all make me so very happy.
Just to bring that point home, as I finished the last paragraph, TC left his cage and came over, jumped in my lap, and is lying on my legs. Drummer followed. It’s got to be jealousy.
Keep watch over me. I miss you. I miss Guy. I’m sorry to my other dogs, guy, Blaki, Mac, and Atticus for being such an asshole owner. Y’all did make me better.
November 12, 2024
Hey boys!
You know what’s going on. I’m just sad. TC’s at my feet snoring. Habs is sprawled out. I want to get out of this situation. These two joker pastors are not Christians, but people who figured it was a chance to share their views, not the word that Christ died for all. They’re not forgiving. They have a political agenda. A secular agenda.
I want a place of my own. A place to take care of myself and the boys. Death is staring at me. I feel the aging process. I’m not helping my non-exercise lifestyle. I need to drink much more water. I need to get off my fat ass.
I’m just sad. And I miss you two so very much. You too, Emily.
Friends are very few. I’m not happy.
Why do I come here just to complain? You guys brought me so much joy and happiness. You deserved so much better. Watch over me. Love y’all still so very, very much.
Guy’s Coming To Join You…
Hey big dog!.
I saw you in a dream this week, you were playing with the boys and you playful got my hand a yanked. I know you’re alive in Heaven.
Guy’s going to join you tomorrow. He’s had gastric issues, but they’ve become worse this week and he has trouble standing. He can’t play with the tennis ball cannon. It kills me. I think he has cancer.
Anyway, play nice, like y’all did down here and please love me up there like you did down here.
I’m getting all weepy and my jaw’s tensing up.
I love you, I miss you. Welcome Guy as I was when I let him go…
Emily Ann Louise Dickenson, the Last
Biffle, I guess you know Emily joined you and Flannery about two hours ago.
She entered my life on May 1, 2004, and stayed until today, April 20, 2024.
I miss you, Emily. All the annoying things, everything, I miss. But you always stayed guard at the head of my bed for hours on end at night.
I have a vest emptiness right now.
I love you so much, Gizmo. Say hello to Frisky. She is a big part of my childhood.
Happiest Birthday, Awesome Dog
We sang “It’s Biffle’s Birthday” in your direction.
Habs looked over, as he often does, as we celebrated your 17th birthday!
You are the best!
See you soon…
Five Years…
I don’t do as much.
I moved.
Janie left.
I have another Cav.
Your picture is the wallpaper of work computer.
And my cell phone.
And the PC at home.
The impact you had on my life is remarkable.
MY dog.
MY LOYAL dog.
Biffle.
Once I could actually write. With flair and color, draw the picture out and well. I became emotional when posting here. I read like a moron. I cut back to the bare minimum and am truly base at this website.
I remember a cold April Saturday morning 2007, in rural northeast Oklahoma. Paid the balance, signed some papers, and off we went. I had a dog. I held this small furry piece of life in my hand. You licked me. And you pee’d on me.
By the time we got home, it was time for a quick nap. And you slept with me on the yellow couch.
We grew closer. You licked my head every night.
I once that horrific vertigo and pushed you away. You were looking out for me, I know that. I hope you knew it wasn’t personal, it was just being so miserable.
We travelled. You went to Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Mississippi, Texas New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, Utah, Idaho, Wyoming, and home in Louisiana. You saw where my parents are buried. You saw where I went to first grade, but only you and I knew that secret.
You knew all my secrets.
You know the pain and emptiness I have without you.
You were the thing to happen to me.
Thank you for loving me for 11-1/2 years and beyond.
I know we’ll reunite soon. Maybe…
Five years
Summer 2023
We are good. I know you see Habs start looking at the painting, or the mantle picture, or the stain glass. He starts barking and goes to town. I find comfort in that, believing he senses your presence with those items.
Sadly, my memories are fading and it requires videos to help with recall. And those videos are so morose. I was too busy mourning you while alive to appreciate you’re life with me. Me being self-centered.
The dog squad is doing OK, Emily still annoying as ever. She has to be at least 20. I don’t pay here enough attention.
I had been thinking about a cocker rescue, but I’m not their financially.
August 25 will five years. That morning I can recall vividly. I don’t understand why I was so set to take you over there to the vet. Maybe Janie said it was time. I dunno. I miss you. Wait for me, buddy
- Singleton CopleyAmigo says it all.
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- Sandi WonkaMy baby was a b/t…he past away a year ago..I so miss him
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- Mike McKimAuthorSandi Wonka I have an ongoing blog that’s a love letter to my dog. I’ve never loved anything as much as I loved that dog. I have three other Cavs, but my Biffle was THAT dog. I know what you mean, but my pain has turned to joy knowing that dog.
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- Sandi WonkaMike McKim thank you for that…I too feel that way about my Pookey…I have another Cavalier but I dont adore her like I do Pooks. Is good you have that joy
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Reply to Mike McKim…
Reply to Sandi Wonka… - Marie JamesHe was such a handsome boy and he looks just like my Benji who we lost 3 years ago in March and I have never felt loss like it, there is never a day goes by that I don’t think of him xx
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- Janet McKenzieSuch a beautiful little face
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- Selena CooperHe was a handsome boy
I love all cavaliers but the black and tans are so special.- Love
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- Simon EstallMike he is the image of my late Penney who we lost suddenly and unexpectedly 5 years ago just after she had been to the vet for a check up and got a clean bill of health.. Sudden and unexpected heart attack. Her portrait done by Marianne Waud takes pri… See more
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- Jan FisherSuch a beautiful little dog!
x- Love
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- Mike McKimAuthorJan Fisher Thanks! He was!
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- Mary Delaney
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To My Dog, 4-1/2 years on…
I have the gift of videos from your life. I still kick myself for focusing on your death throughout your life. I am so sorry. I learned. Habs is doing well, same for Guy. I think you’d ignore TC. He’s such a ball of sneaky energy.
Guy had worms. Came from eating the dirt where the moles are, I think.
My life is focusing on my boys and little else. The end will be tough, but if I go first, someone will step up and that the pack isn’t separated.
Emma’s dog Lilly died recently. She’s facebook B&T friend from the UK. She looks to have a tough life, but she is happy.
I’d love to go back 40 years and redo somethings, but doesn’t everyone?
I miss you so very, very much. Wait for me, your buddies, and the cat.
I want my last thought to be join y’all forever.
Have You Met Lilly?
My Facebook friend Emma lost her B&T today. You might remember her, as we shared our love for our amazing dogs.
I know each day passes and I’m further away from physically holding you. I miss you so much. TC and Guy are great, you’d be jealous, I think. But no dog will ever take your place.
I just wanted to write to you and remember I know love because I had you. See you soon, Mr. Dog. I love you and still miss you…
Four Years and Two Weeks
I know you’re paying attention. I still mourn. I play videos of you with the sound up and Habs, especially Habs, and Guy perk up. Habs runs to mantle where your ashes and collar are, or over the painting by the nice young former student, whose name escapes me.
I think it’s better you’re not here. Things are sliding toward a spectacular disaster. I don’t do thing because I don’t want to. And it will catch up to me, or some one. That’ll be fun.
Take care, my boy. I miss you so very much. Please run to me on that day…
Time
Last Saturday Habs was diagnosed with a very slight murmur. Dr. Hunter said it very early stages and not to start giving med yet. I guess I happy that this didn’t come out of the blue likes yours. I did research, all Cavs will have this and if another issue doesn’t take the life, this will. Some small comfort… I treasure my time with dogs. When you guys are all gone, I want to go too. My dogs are all I live for!
Habs Has A Very Minor Murmur
Vet heard a very minor murmur. Nothing to medicate right now, Vet says it’ll be a couple years. But it’s coming. Big change is the fact I haven’t been moping about Habs’ death for years. I screwed up with you on that.
Amigo!
Every time I write, I come across as a blithering fool. It’s emotions. I miss you so very much. There are days you’re right there, others you are just so far away. It hurts.
I’m now concerned about Habs. He’s 9 now. He had a stroke about three years ago, but he is recovering nicely. I’m worried about Guy. He’s 6-1/2, but has a cough. And cough is why we took you in to see the vet in late 2017, where we learned you had a heart murmur.
I’m aware of the murmur now. A larger chest. I think Guy is just having an allergy reaction, but I’m concerned. I do not want to lose another beloved dog.
Emily is showing signs her days are numbered. But Lord, she’s 20. She frail. Much more in your face and clingy. Signs of cat in the latter stagers of life. I’ll miss her, too. I miss Flanery.
When TC dies, I want to be right behind. The thought of living alone and being old depresses the shit out of me. I guess that’s when I go to a home. Yippee, skippy.
I was on Facebook and someone’s new puppy was attached. he nearly died, but seems to be pulling through. It’s scary. I never truly thought about dog attacks after we left Mandeville. It’s why I do not take the boys on long walks.
I miss you black and tan dog. I need you, even if it is on a blog. It’s my conversation with you. Remember I told you things that she didn’t know and never will?
Take care, my Biffle. Mr. Dog, you’re the best. Please greet me when i get there. I know what the pastors say, but I believe Heaven is a prefect day with my Cavs. We’re playing. Y’all are playful and I am not so old.
Love you, forever. You’re my friend.
Hey, Mr. Dog,
Another note to check in with you. I am counting on you to be there when I die.
I just want my dogs. My dogs, and you will be at the head of the parade. Guy is such beautiful dog. Something is going on, maybe because TC has just latched on. I love TC, but it’s different than you and Guy. Even sweet Habs is back just a hair. You know what I mean.
I miss you.
I see facebook posts from people losing their beloved Cav everyday and i know their pain. Then I see a cartoon with a man on his deathbed holding out his arms and a dog is jumping to him, over a rainbow. I pray I have that death.
Love you so much, as always
Merry Christmas, Biffle!
2021 Christmas. The fourth one with your physical presence. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it gets easier, because I’m not weepy. Your mug is the desktop on the computer at work. So I see you every work day. Your ashes draw attention from Habs on a regular basis. He barks at your picture over the fireplace. Your bowl, collar, and ashes are on the mantle. I know he senses you. I wish you were here, because you’d love this madhouse. I need to stop because I’ll become morose and begin to write as an emotion fool. Love you Buddy. Save a place for me… and Habs… and Guy… and TC.
Closer To Year Four
Hey Mr. Good Dog! We’re coming closer to December 1, the fourth anniversary of hearing you had a murmur. You know how much I miss you. We went to the vet last week. Terrified that Guy’s cough was the beginning of something bad. It wasn’t; just a dry hack.
Your buddy Habs barks at your picture and your ashes regularly. He wags his tail, but not in a vicious, scared way. Pretty sure he sees you, maybe much more than I do.
Habs is moving up in years. He isn’t jump up in the bed so readily now. He had a stroke, I think in the summer of 2019. Fortunately I was in the room when it happened. He just all of sudden changed. His sever head tilt to the left has all but cleared up.
Guy remains the apple of my eye. He looks like you and I’m sure that part of the attraction. You two hit it off so well back then.
TC… well, he’s just a little shirt. Spoiled, doesn’t listen. He bolts occasionally, but doesn’t run into traffic. I think he does it to upset me. He makes melancholy. He’s most likely the last dog I’ll ever own. When he dies, I expect to follow shortly.
I’m not worried about dying, but I am sad it’ll be over soon. I have regrets and I wished I hadn’t wasted time on some of the idolatry bullshit I fell for. However, that’s life, at least my life and I accept that.
I’m looking forward to seeing you come charging at me when I get to heaven. You know you mean everything to me. I love you, Biffle. You’re my dog.
Anniversary
Today is three years. It still hurts and I get bleary-eyed. I’ve found there a many of out there who mourn the loss of that special dog. I think we are do lucky to experience that love.
I have moments when I want to toss it the towel, as demonstrated by the lack of progress in unpacking, the mess of a bedroom, and the mediocrity of my kennel training. I guess I am a hypocrite.
Biffle, you’ve been gone three years. I talk to you constantly. I’m not sure if I change my current routine if you were back. I just do…
Mourn for my loss, perhaps your gain. You know how I feel.
How’s My Dog?
February is coming to a close. It’s been 2-1/2 years since you died. It still hurts. Our posse is well, Habs knows you’re here. He barks at the stained glass model of you and at the picture of the three of you. You’re picture from Yellowstone stares at me daily. Your ashes remain in place of honor. I, of course , miss you like crazy. I watch videos from long ago. I cry still. I know you know how much I love you. Be good, I’ll be back, and I cannot wait to join you. I love you, Mr. Dog.
Back-stabbed, betrayed
Janie called me at 5:23 to let me know she has a new homes. She’d been sad and needs a place to de-stress. Says she’s been planning this since October. I’ve been on my for while, emotional. i am going to get through it. And now I’m getting pissed. Moving toward “what ever, I do this on my own.
I don’t think I’m up to patching this one up. My stress is geared toward her. I’ve been trying protect her. I guess I should have been asking more question. Well, it’s going to be me, your spirit, Habs, Guy, Emily, and TC. And of course, God.
I’m hurt. I’ll carry this grudge. It is going to be tough. I trust God.
2021
Happy New Year, old man. Another year has passed, eventful would be an understatement. But you know that so…
It snowed today for the first time since you were here, three years. it’s pretty heavy.
We added a puppy, TC. Different blood line, different state.
I miss you so very much…
I was just a pup when we first met I loved you from the start.
You picked me up and took me home
and placed me in your heart.
my time has come to go.
I know your heart is sore.
I see the tears that fall when I`m not
waiting at the door.
You always did your best for me
yours love was plain to see,
for even though it broke your heart
you set my spirit free.
So please be brave without me,
one day we´ll met once more,
for when you´re called to Heaven
I´ll be waiting at the door.
Coming Upon Three Years
December 1, 2017 Janie called with the horrible news, you were going to die, physically. I still miss you. You opened up so much to me. A wonderful bred, complete devotion, unconditional love.
Hey Biffle, Meet TC
Your legacy grows! On October 31, 2020 we added TC to the family. He’s a ruby Cav from Conroe, Texas. He’s a sweetheart. Guy and TC are playing hard together. Habs is being Habs, which is kinda of sad because you remember how much he loved Guy as a pub. You’d just stare at them when Habs would pull Guy along the floor using the tug toys! And way, here is our fourth Cav, J&M’s TC!
I Pray This Is How You See It, Because I See This Way
Dear Mr. Dog,
August 22, 2020
Donde es el puppy dog? Donde es el puppy dog? BIFFLE! BIFFLE! BIFFLE!
it’s been 104 weeks. Tuesday will be two years. I still miss my dog. Know you’re seeing it all, my looking at videos and pictures, the occasional welling, the way Habs barks at that painting. I still remember that fat po-tot sleeping on the couch with me. The way you’d get excited when I’d come home.
I read post where people write about their dog playing in heaven and not missing their owners, but they are waiting for them. I want to you wait and I’d like to think you’re missing me as much.
We’re getting another puppy in the fall. He won’t be from your blood lines, a stranger. His name will be TC. He should be a Blenheim. I’d love another B&T, but I don’t want a replacement and that scares me.
I miss you. Hope you’ll be there waiting for me.
22 months, 22 days
I still miss you. It gets better because of the memories. Habs looks up at your painting and now wags his tail when he barks at it. He remembers, too. You pop up in Facebook feeds on a regular basis. We were all very lucky. Each day is another day further away. It’s kinda like my father. He has been dead almost as long as he was in my life. Morbid. Love you, puppy dog.
Checking In
Just a hello and let you know I miss you so much. Guy and I are getting real close, probably closer than we were but he’ll never replace you.
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Another Visit
I was taking a hard nap between 10:45 -noon today. Guy was sleeping with me, wedged between me and the arm of the recliner. I was at a place with mom. I was coming to terms with being satisfied with what I had for a year. I was looking at a tv set, small but vivid color. It was connected to an i-pad and I was looking for the lyrics to “Go All The Way” by the Raspberries. And there was a video playing a cartoon-type music video of the song. Then the chair I was in tumped over and I was just laying there. With you by my side. I made up my mind to be OK with where we were living but the owner needed to finish painting the wall. Then I looked out and saw a pool. You and I went out for a walk, I made a turn and suddenly I saw you weren’t there. I called out “where’s my dog?” A dog came running and licked me, but he wasn’t you and I might have said something, but I kept looking for you. Then I was aware I was sleeping. I woke up with Guy by my side. I’ve been trying to let our void stay. You’ll always be my dog, but I am going to let Guy become my dog, too. I still miss. I love you so much. Watch out over us.
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